Messages in the Fruits Basket
by Cherry-sama
Summary: I think I am the first to do this... One day, Shigure decided to buy an answering machine for his house! ...And everyone else he knows... Who knew what chaos would erupt?
1. Chapter 1: Shigure's Answering Machine

**Messages in the Fruits Basket  
****By Cherry-sama**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything in Fruits Basket or anything else I plan on mentioning. And also, this fic will contain moments of both Yuki and Tohru, and Kyo and Tohru. No flames please.**

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AN: Hi! Read this fic please! I know, my first author's note sucks, but hey.

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/Shigure's House's Answering Machine/

Tohru: Hello. You have reached the household of the novelist, Shigure. He cannot come to the phone right now so please leave a message after the beep.

Shigure: OOHH TOHRU! What do you think of the answering machine I have bought for our house?

Tohru: I think it's great Shigure! I wonder what Kyo and Yuki will think!

Shigure: Let's not go there…

Kyo: (Insert swear word here) IT! WE'RE OUT OF MILK! RAT BOY! BUY SOME MORE!

Yuki: If you want it so badly, then get it yourself, stupid cat.

Kyo: I WON'T GET IT! YOU GET IT!

Yuki: It's not my fault that you spilled the last drops on the floor, making Miss Honda clean your mess up. And while you're at it, go buy some more leek seeds. You still need to get more ever since you pulled up the ones Miss Honda and I planted.

Tohru: Oh! I'm sorry! I guess I forgot to get some more milk the last time I went to the store!

Shigure: Actually, you didn't… Kyo spilled all fourteen cartons on the floor, making me buy more wood for our floor.

#BEEP#

_Message 1:_ SHIGUUUUURRRREEEEEEEEE! HOW CAN YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME! This is you editor speaking. WE HAVE TO HAVE THE NEXT 500 PAGES DONE BY TOMORROW! I KEEP ON GETTING THE FEELING THAT YOU DON'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY! WHERE ARE YOU HIDING THIS TIME?

#BEEP#

_Message 2:_ Ohhhhhh Yuki! My sweet brother! How are you and your girlfriend getting along? I do hope you will come back to my store sometime soon. I have some more darling outfits you two will just adore! If I am lucky, you two might be able to wear them soon! I hope you propose to that girl soon.

Assistant (who's name I have forgotten): Ayame! You still haven't quite finished your brother's tuxedo…

Ayame: Oh, yes. Of course! Well, I do hope that you will ask that girl to marry you by the time I have finished your outfit. Well, ta ta!

#BEEP#

_Message 3:_ PRINCE YUKI! This is your ultimate fan club! THE PRINCE YUKI FAN CLUB! _(sounds are heard of those idiot girls, whom I want to kill, doing that hideous dance)_ WE WILL GET RID OF THAT WITCH SOON!

#BEEP#

_Message 4:_ Umm… Hello? This is Kagura… Is Kyo there? I was wondering… WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME! YOU PROPOSED TO ME YEARS AGO! WHEN ARE WE GETTING MARRIED! I HOPE YOU AREN'T THINKING ABOUT CALLING OFF OUR WEDDING JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE HOTS FOR THAT HONDA GIRL! KYO I MEAN IT! …Bye Kyo, my love… _(loud sounds of tearing room apart are heard until there is a sound of something heavy falling towards the phone, and then a loud crash)_

#BEEP#

_Message 5:_ Shigure. What is the meaning of this? This is Hatori. I woke up this morning to find a strange machine in the main house. There was one in my house too. I would like an explanation before Akito decides to blame it on Momiji.

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AN: And that is my chapter one. I have a sudden urge to post this right after I finished writing it, even though I have promised myself to finish my fics before starting more… I should ask my sister, SoC. 


	2. Chapter 2: Hana's Answering Machine

**Chapter 2  
****By Cherry-sama**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket or the readers reading this. If I claimed that I did own either of them, I'm pretty sure I'd go to jail…**

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AN: Yay! Welcome back! And the answer for last chapter is yes! I posted last chapter right after I made it! Ahem. Please read this!

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/Hana's Answering Machine/ 

Hana: Hello… You have reached the household of Hana, as called by everyone I know. I cannot answer my phone right now because I am helping my brother with his homework.

Megumi: If you wouldn't mind me asking, if this is one of those fan club girls, I would like to know the real name of that member you call 'Number Two'.

Hana: Yes. That would help us quite a bit. So please leave a message after the sound of screaming adolescents.

#BEEP#

_Message 1:_ AIEEEEEEEE! THOSE SCREAMS WERE SCARY! WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU HAVE THAT ON YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE? Ahem. We are the Prince Yuki Fan Club!

_(loud sounds of stupid and idiotic dance)_

Number Two (What's her name again?): We aren't scared by the likes of you! In fact! We know that you…um…are friends with Tohru Honda!

Mytoko: We all know that! That's a stupid comeback! ARRGGGHHH! We can't make any smart remarks after that stupid one!

Number Two: Sorry…

Mytoko: Gr…

#BEEP#

_Message 2:_ …Ummm… Excuse me… I heard that you were Miss Honda's friend… I was wondering this because she's a friend of mine too… And I'd like to thank you for… Um… This is Ritsu… But I'm sure you don't know who that is… Um… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'M SORRY! I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY! WHY'D I EVER BOTHER YOU! I'M USING UP YOUR SPACE ON YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE! I'M A THIEF! NO, A KLEPTOMANIAC! AHHHHHHHHH! I MUST APOLOGISE TO THE WORLD! _(sounds of running out of nearest door with faint sounds of:)_ I'M SORRY WORLD!

#BEEP#

_Message 3:_ Hi Hana-chan! This is Tohru! I was just wondering how you were doing! Well, if you want to call me back, then you know my phone number. I'm right now going shopping with Kyo, to buy some more milk!

Kyo: _(faintly)_ I'm not going because I want to…

Tohru: And after that, Yuki wants me to come with him to his brother's shop!

Yuki: _(faintly)_ Ayame is such an idiot… He should know that I'm not proposing to Miss Honda just because he made us marriage costumes.

Tohru: So if you want to talk to me, try some time tomorrow! Bye!

#BEEP#

_Message 4:_ Hey, Hana! This is Arisa! I was wondering where orange top was… I still need to beat him at 'Rich Man, Poor Man'! He said something about silk and going to get some with Tohru… Since when has orange top every got clothes shopping with Tohru? And since when has Tohru said something about wanting silk? Call me back!

#BEEP#

_Message 5:_ Hello? This had better be the local pizza place. My name is Hiro Sohma and don't you forget it as if you're mental or something. I'll just say that you aren't for the time being. Now listen up losers. I want a medium pizza with steak and grass on top. Don't ask why, just do it before I stop pretending you aren't mental. On a regular day I would ask for delivery, but your delivery guy is lucky because Akito is being a son of a (insert very profane language for a little boy his size), and says he never wants to see another non-relative maggot near the Sohma house again. I'm doing you bozos a favor, since Akito was threatening to hurt Kisa after he abused the pizza delivery weirdo. I'm coming to pick the pizza up now. No excuses, because I have no time to listen to your whining. You scum better have it ready for me by then or else.

Kisa: Hurry Hiro! The anime is about to start!

Hiro: Hold your horses already. I'm just getting our pizza.

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AN: Mwahahahahaha! Chapter 2! I can tell right now I am going to have so much fun with Hiro's reaction when he doesn't get his pizza that he 'ordered'. Please review because reviews mean more chapters and chapters mean more Sohmas and more Sohmas mean more fun! xD So, please review! 


	3. Chapter 3: Haru's Answering Machine

**Chapter 3  
****By Cherry-sama**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, and I do not own Mc Donald's or the song 'I am cow' by the 'Arrogant Worms'. They rock! xD**

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AN: This is Haru's Answering Machine. I personally like Haru, mainly because he highly amuses me, but I probably can't make him go pure black, so if it sucks, then say that you like the Arrogant Worms before you diss me. And the 'Beefy-Blissful-Bloody-Buttery-Betty-Berry-Beery-Brownie-Batty-Beefy Burger' belongs to me! Please read!

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/Hatsuharu's Answering Machine/ 

Haru: Hello, you have reached the main Sohma house.

Momiji: _(sounds of singing are heard faintly in background)_ He is cow, hear him moo! He weights twice as much as you!

Haru: At the house we somehow have different phone numbers and many answering machines here. I wonder if Shigure has something to do with this.

Momiji: And he looks good on the barbequuuuuue!

Haru: The Sohma you have currently reached is I, Hatsuharu.

Momiji: Yogurt, curd, cream cheese and butter's made from liquid from his udders!

Haru: _(sounds a bit mad, bringing a whole new meaning to the words 'Mad Cow')_ And I am not here right now to pick up the phone…

Momiji: He is cow, he is cow, hear him mooooooooooo!

Haru: And I will get back to you as soon as I can.

Momiji: He is cow, eating grass!

Haru: _(sounds madder than before)_ So please leave a message after the…

Momiji: Methane gas comes out his—

Haru: _(snaps)_ THE SOUNDS OF MOMIJI SCREAMING FOR MY MERCY!

_(loud sounds of lifting up the answering machine are heard along with loud noises of air rushing past as if the answering machine had been thrown half way across the room, and a loud crash that seemed to be cushioned by the shape of Momiji's face; before the sounds were completely engulfed by loud static, a whine was heard)_

Momiji: WAAAHHHHHHH! HARU'S HURTING ME!

#BEEP#

_Message 1:_ Hatsuharu. This is I, Hatori. Why must I continue to remind you? You have an iron deficiency, and as I have told you many times before, you need to solve this problem before it gets out of hand. The answer, as I have informed you, is to eat more beef.

Momiji (who my sister, SoC, says that should be here, so if you have any issues with him here, take it up with her): _(sounds like he's in background)_ Wouldn't that be cannibalism?

#BEEP#

_Message 2:_ Ummm… Hi…Haru… This is…Kisa… I was wondering if…you could maybe take me for ice cream sometime… With Hiro-kun and Sissy-chan… But we don't have to bring Sissy-chan if you don't…really want to… Not now, though… Hiro's just getting…us a pizza… I wonder when…he'll get back… He's been there for more than…an hour…

#BEEP#

_Message 3:_ HELLO THERE!!! Are you sad? Are you depressed? Is there no purpose to you life? Well then, COME TO MC DONALD'S! Now we are featuring the all-new Beefy-Blissful-Bloody-Buttery-Betty-Berry-Beery-Brownie-Batty-Beefy Burger! For a limited time only, you can eat this healthy, fantastic food with a 20 discount! Good-bye! _(sounds of the words 'I'm loving it' are heard)_

#BEEP#

_Message 4:_ HARUUUU! Ack! Umm… This is Ayame. I'd like you to know that you are in no situation to be spammed with phone calls from Mc Donald's… Erm… And I did not give away your phone number to the Mc Donald's store down the street…

Mine (thank you all, for I now know her name): You call that explaining why he will be spammed with phone calls about every single 'Beefy-Blissful-Bloody-Buttery-Betty-Berry-Beery-Brownie-Batty-Beefy Burger' they make per second?

Ayame: Shhhh! Ahem. I'd also like you to know that that no customers of ours somehow persuaded me to enlist _'my'_ phone number to any fast food restaurant of any kind! GOOD BYYYYYEEEEE!

#BEEP#

_Message 5:_ HARU! YOU (insert swear) COW! HOW COULD YOU BACK OUT THAT FIGHT WE HAD! YOU KNOW, THE ONE **YOU** STARTED! COWARD!

Yuki: Stupid cat! Baka neko! I had an attack at that time, and that made him go white again.

Kyo: Another thing, coward! I still think you're a sicko for saying 'a little bit of this and a little bit of that', or some other junk like that… What the (swear word here) were you planning on doing?

Yuki: BAKA NEKO! Isn't it obvious? He was planning on—

Tohru: Okay Kyo! Let's go!

Kyo: _(grumble sounds)_ Fine.

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AN: Now how's this for a scary though? Mc Donald's with Tele Marketers. _(shudders)_ Did you notice that the word 'coward' starts with the word 'cow'? It suits Haru perfectly. For Kyo that is. I like Haru and as I have said before, Haru amuses me dearly so I am having fun with that he needs to eat more beef! xD Please review! 


	4. Chapter 4: Yuki's Answering Machine?

**Chapter 4**

**By Cherry-sama**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, despite what the little green man in my head tells me. My sister, SoC, tells me that there is no little green man in my head, BUT SHE'S WRONG!**

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AN: Hi. I officially have nothing to say, except please read.

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/School Student Council Phone/ 

Yuki: Hello there. I am Yuki Sohma, current Student Council President.

Fan girls: _(in background)_ WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Yuki: The reason the student council even has an answering machine (or even a phone for that fact), is unknown, but I suspect a relative of mine.

Fan girls: _(in background)_ WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Yuki: So please leave a message after the tone.

#BEEP#

_Message 1:_ WE LOVE YOU, YUKI!

_(sounds of sad excuse for a dance, are heard)_

Mytoko: We are sorry for calling you without a notice, but we—

Mio: We love you!

Mytoko: Grr… Shush!

Mio: We do, don't we? We are the Prince Yuki Fan Club, right?

Mytoko: ARRRGGGH! Why can't you keep your mouth shut? Erm… Yuki? We'll call back later…

Mio: To re-plot our plans to get rid of Tohru Honda!

_(before the phone is hung up, a loud: 'BAKA' is heard)_

#BEEP#

_Message 2:_ OHHHHHH YUUUUKKKIIIII! It's Shigure! Wellll? Do you liiiiikkkkkeee itttt? Weeeeeellllllllllllll? The answering machine may be a bit cheaper quality than then one at home, but it still works veeeerrrryyyyyy well for an answering machine that I salvaged from the garbage— Erm…

#BEEP#

_Message 3:_ Ummm… I'm sorry, but I was wondering… Is Yuki there? If he's listening to this… This is Tohru, and I'm calling from my cell phone! I'm very sorry for calling you, but this is a little urgent… I was wondering if you could come and pick us up after school. You see, we were at the supermarket to buy more milk when there was a little blackout (AN: Mwahahahahahaha! I love pulling power switches)…

Kyo: Little? LITTLE? THIS IS THE BIGGEST BLACKOUT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN!

Tohru: Oh, I'm sorry. Anyways, it was big enough to drain the power out of the automatic doors here.

Kyo: And no one here is BRAVE ENOUGH TO TRY BREAKING THE (insert swear) DOOR DOWN!

Tohru: …Well, we were waiting for power to come back on when one of the other costumers came and bumped me so I fell onto Kyo. Since the local pet store is right new door, Kyo has frequently being hunted for, because they think he has escaped from there.

Kyo: IT WOULD HELP IF THESE KITTENS THAT ALWAYS STALK ME GET THE (yet, another swear) AWAY FROM ME!

Kittens: Meow!

Tohru: Kyo, be careful, okay? I don't want them to hear you. So, if it isn't too much trouble, could you pick us up?

Kyo: YOU BETTER COME, YOU RAT! OR ELSE I'LL…I'll…er…

#BEEP#

_Message 4:_ YUKI DARLING! This is Ayame! How are you? How is that little fiancée of yours? Are you two getting along? I've finally finished your wedding outfits! I must say that they might be my best work! When is the wedding?

Mine: Ayame?

Ayame: Yes? What is it Mine?

Mine: About the bride and groom outfits… I sent them through the wash, and I forgot that they were 'Dry-Clean Only'…

Ayame: …What happened to them?

Mine: They're here. _(sounds of holding up clothing are heard)_

Ayame: Oh dear… At least they can fit Momiji's Barbie dolls…

#BEEP#

_Message 5: (sounds of dance of major stupidity, and then sounds of turning on record)_

Mytoko: Young girl, have you seen his nice hair?

Vice-president (I'm sorry. I have no clue what any of their names are): I say young girl! Have you looked in his eyes?

Mio (okay, maybe I know this one): I mean you girl. Can you ever doubt that _(other girls join in at this point)_ nice big smiiillllle!

Vice-president: You've got to worship:

All girls: Y-U-K-I!

Mytoko: You've got to love:

All girls: Yuki Sooooohmaaaaa!

Other girl (but I don't know her name): He is everything

Vice-president: from A to Z

Mio: so get in and _(big breath)_ goandrentaroomattheYukifanclubtempleandmaybeorderasetandafewpicturesandhopefullythere'llbesomeleftand—

_(music stops abruptly)_

Mytoko: HOLD IT!

Vice-president: And just what are you doing?

Mio: Well, Mytoko said that we should probably advertise…

Mytoko: WELL NOT ON THE STUDENT COUNCIL ANSWERING MACHINE! We could get suspended!

Other girl: And doesn't the authoress over use the Y-M-C-A idea?

_(Cherry-sama's cackling was heard as a sound echoed that made it sound as if she pressed a button)_

Mytoko: …O.o

Vice-president: Where'd the floor go—OOOOOOH!

Other girl: AHHHHHHHHH!

Mytoko: YUUUUKKKKKKIIIIII!

Mio: WEEEEEEEEE!

_(sounds of phone falling into the abyss until it is plugged out from the wall)_

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AN: MWAHAHAHAHA! I love-th that button! Sorry if Tohru wasn't in character enough, but I just couldn't get her right in parts… Also, I tried to add some KyoxTohru fluff. And, yes. I need to know all the fan girls names (and what they look like so I don't get them mixed up), because they will be mentioned constantly. Please review! n.n 


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